11.14.2013
Things Are Looking Up.
A little over 2 weeks ago, I signed an important document that officially ended a chapter of my life. At first, it was very difficult to accept. I knew it was coming and had been ready for that moment when things could finally be over and I could officially move on with my life. I had put my life on hold for 9 months, and I didn't quite feel I could move forward yet. When we went in to sign the papers, I was in complete tears. The realization that I was divorced at only 24 years old, with a 2 year old son, hit me hard and a ton of emotions rushed through my body. I was in absolute shock and spent a few days in absolute depression. But in my mind, I knew things would get better slowly over time and that this was the beginning of a completely new and exciting chapter with all it's surprising ups and downs. I was both relieved and scared to begin this journey, now completely on my own.
Fast forward to today. Since then, I have improved considerably. I finally found 2 jobs, and possibly another one. I know 3 jobs sounds absolutely crazy, but they are all part-time jobs so it may work. Between all of them, it adds up to full-time. One is a Certified Nursing Assistant job working for an LDS family that has a son with muscular dystrophy. It pays $15/hr without having to take out taxes :). I already had my first day last night (it is Mon and Wed nights from 10:30pm - 9:30am). I spent most of the night awake since the boy would wake up every hour or 2 asking to be repositioned. It wasn't until 5 or 6am that I was able to finally fall asleep The job is fairly easy except for the lack of sleep part. He is chair and wheelchair bound and has no muscle function, but he is a completely normal boy. I'm amazing at how happy and smart he is, despite the condition he is in. His mom demonstrated the 8 different pillows/towels he uses under his bony prominences in order to take pressure off of his joints. He switches off from a laying down position with all the towels and pillows in place, to a sitting position in order to be more comfortable and switch things up. I have my own twin bed to sleep in next to the recliner chair he sleeps in. I feel extremely comfortable while I'm there and get along with them well. The job mainly entails repositioning, which I can deal with for now. The other job is a Nursing Assistant home-health aide job. I had orientation today and signed the final paperwork to be hired. I just have to turn in a few more documents, and I am officially employed with them. The name of the company is BrightStar Care. They already have a patient that I will be seeing 2 days per week to do baths and light-housekeeping. The good thing about it is I can work around my current schedule and do it on the days I am available (as long as it matches the patient's preferences). Plus, it is only around 5 hours per week, which I can easily fit in my busy schedule. It's a temporary job, but they will offer me new clients as they come. I can choose whether or not to accept the different clients depending on my schedule. I love the flexibility of it and that it will give me good job experience to put on my resume. Not only that, but I may work for my mom's Arthritis & Rhematology Dr. Office with one of her friend coworkers as her transcribe. She is behind on all her charting and would love to have someone help her record everything a couple days per week. I'm not exactly sure on the days yet, but I definitely am open to it. I believe it pays $10/hr.
All I can say is, I love how everything is falling into place all at once. I received 3 job offers within the same week, and they all are flexible and could possibly work together. I don't think this is a coincidence at all. I know Heavenly Father knows exactly what I need and where I will be happy working. I can see myself being happy at all of these jobs. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and a huge sense of relief. After looking for jobs for the last couple months and almost wanting to give up, they came at me when I was least expecting it. It is crazy and amazing how Heavenly Father works sometimes.
10.12.2013
Change is Good.
It's crazy how much can change in only 2 months. Just 2 months ago, I was feeling completely torn down by life and ready to just stop trying so hard. I had just graduated CNA School which meant I had a lot of free time on my hands (and still do). Life hit me hard at this point. Before, I had been keeping myself as busy as possible so I didn't have to think about everything that was going on. But of course you can only push those things back so far before they have a rubber-band effect and come bouncing back. I thought that I had moved on completely, but didn't realize how long of a process this really is. So I went through a bit of a denial phase at this point. Everything hit me hard, and I desperately tried to hold onto what was already lost.
Divorce isn't a word I like to use at all, so we will refrain from using it again... Let's try to use something a little bit more friendly and less abused. Hmm, what should we call it instead? I'm at a loss. Anyway, you get my point. So yes, I have been dealing with this for the last 8 months. It isn't something I like admitting to people because it is hard for people to understand why a 24 year old such as me would be going through a d_______, but if you knew the situation, there wouldn't be any further questions. It's something that is completely unacceptable and is the reason a lot of people get a d_______. I actually never imagined this would happen to me and it's still quite shocking to this day, but I have absolutely no control over it. For a while, I thought I did. I tried so desperately to change someone else, which is impossible. I didn't learn this until much later on. I realized all those times I tried so hard to change someone else ended up being a complete waste of my time. Instead, I should have focused more on myself. Later on, when I realized this, it released a huge burden and allowed us to separate to see where life took us from there.
Since we made the decision to separate, we have had our ups and downs. It is so crazy how quickly life can change. I went through a long length of time where I felt completely fine. At first, we still dated each other because we were used to being around each other all of the time. So naturally, we wanted to still hang out and do things together. We were still affectionate towards one another and acted as if we always had. Slowly, we drifted further and further apart. I tried to hold on for awhile, until a month or so ago. I wasn't ready to put boundaries up, but the line was drawn before I could push it any further. It's like a part of me had been ripped from me quicker than I could try and hold the pieces to me. I felt slightly naked and not fully myself. I still sort of do, but that is something that will naturally go away with time.
2 months ago, I hit a low point. It really hit me, and I wanted to have it all back. I didn't want to have a broken family. I wanted to feel complete again despite how incomplete our relationship was. I begged to have it all back again, forgetting all the reasons why we separated in the first place. I completely disregarded the negative and true aspects of why we separated in the first place and focused on positive and false aspects. Lesson learned- it's better to focus on truth than it's opposite, even if it isn't what you want. Sometimes it's hard to accept the reality of what's best for us when it isn't in harmony with what we want. But in the end, that is what will guarantee the most everlasting happiness. When I realized that what I wanted was only affection and security, not the actual relationship itself and all that it entails, I knew I was on dangerous ground. It was then that I had to make a very difficult step back and think rationally rather than let my emotions guide me. Rationally, I was able to gain perspective and step away from the situation. At this point, I came to the conclusion that I needed to begin the steps of moving on.
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Here is a blog post I wrote 2 months ago but was too afraid to post:
That moment when you realize it's time to let go... it's one of the hardest moments I've ever had to experience. I just can't. Every fiber of my being is trying to hold onto everything I've put all my heart, mind, and time into. I can't seem to bring myself to throw it all away as if it didn't exist. I am desperately holding on for dear life, even though there really isn't much to hold onto. Some part of me has hope, yet I know it's time to move on. It has been very short-lived, but it's time.
I never meant for any of this to happen, I never wanted it to happen... but sometimes God has a much better plan for us than we have for ourselves. He sees the bigger picture although it may not seem like it in that very moment where our suffering feels unbearable. It's in that moment where our true character is revealed, and yes it may be ugly at times. It's okay to completely let it out. It is natural and healthy, within certain boundaries of course. But once that moment is over, it's up to us to make a choice whether we will move backwards or forwards. There is no such thing as staying in one spot, we are constantly moving backwards or forwards according to our own decisions and outside impacts.
I honestly can't comprehend where to go from here, the future seems so obscure and frightening. I know He can show me the way, but that requires a great deal of faith on my part. I am extremely stubborn and strong-willed and want to be in control. But, I realize that it's time to give up that control. It's not in my hands anymore. I've made a few bad decisions in the past that have gotten me to this point, and that's okay. We all make bad decisions. But, a lot of it has to do with someone else's poor choices that have affected me in ways I cannot explain. You do not fully know the impact of someone else's choices until a fraction of your trials are a direct result from them.
I feel more betrayed than I ever have. I've been lied to, emotionally abused and cheated on, stepped on, manipulated, and have come to find out those I should really associate with. I don't know who to trust at the moment, but I know this will pass. I will get over it and move on. Just one person has the power to really impact you, if you let them. That doesn't mean that every person is that way, but it is easy to believe so that during the moment.
I have two choices. I can either choose to be pessimistic and revengeful, or I can choose to soften my heart and put my will in God's hands. The first one will only make me more miserable, and in the end, won't even be worth it. The second one will require a lot more effort on my part and will be extremely difficult at first, but in the end, it will be totally worth it.
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Since then, we have had an amazing long talk (in person) and have been on good terms. We aren't perfect, but we do get along fairly well. It's nice that we can actually do things as a family and act normal and nice towards one another. This usually isn't the case in a similar situation. Just 2 months ago, I was holding on for dear life. But in approximately 2 weeks, we should be submitting the final paperwork. Shortly after, everything will be finalized. I can't believe it is final happening. Although we've been separated for almost 9 months, I am still in shock that this chapter of my life is finally coming to a close. It is bittersweet in a way. I am both sad and relieved. I will miss the memories we shared and will be sensitive towards it for a little while, but at the same time, I get a fresh start and can go wherever I choose from here. It's both nerve-wrecking and exciting. I'm sure a lot of emotions will whirl through me once I actually sign the papers and when it becomes finalized, but I am experiencing a glimpse of those emotions as it gets closer to that time. It will release both a huge burden and part of myself that I am slowly piecing back together.
7.21.2013
Don't Judge, Period.
I don't think you can fully understand someone's situation, even if you go through it yourself. It's extremely difficult to stick yourself in someone's shoes when they are the one wearing their own pair of unique shoes. Think about it... you cannot fully comprehend someone's emotions, heartache, deepest feelings, concerns, joys, triumphs, etc unless you are that person. We all experience pain and joy in different ways. Some of us handle it better than others, but all of us handle it just a little bit differently. Sure, we can have similar coping mechanisms as someone else, but that doesn't mean we completely understand what they are feeling and experiencing. No matter how hard we try to sympathize, there is always that small degree of the "unknowing" that is sometimes invisible even to our own self.
With that being said, I don't think anyone can fully comprehend what I'm experiencing at the moment. It's really hard to tell people that I am going through a divorce at the age of 23. I hate saying that word with the strongest passion, and I feel like I am almost committing a sin by going through with this. It sounds terrible and absolutely wrong. I don't know how to explain it to people. So instead of beating around the bush, I am blunt about it. I don't generalize. I tell the truth in hopes that people won't ask too much questions. It's not something I like to talk about all of the time. But, it is therapeutic to talk about it with close friends and family... Although I feel like there is a lot I leave out. I don't include all of the emotional insecurities I am experiencing, and the absolute pain and loneliness I go through on a daily basis. Every day is a battle.
But instead of moping, I do what I need to do and focus on what is really important. At the moment, my son is the most important thing in my life. He keeps me going and pushes me to reach my goals so that I can ensure the best future for him. It is difficult. But, I will do anything for him. He means more to me than words can ever comprehend. So, I keep moving forward. I keep studying so I can finish this CNA program and go on to get a full-time job. I enrolled in classes for the Fall so I continue my education even further and possibly get my LPN and go on to become a nurse. I am taking leaps of faith, and it's extremely scary and uncomfortable at times. But I feel better about myself when I am working hard towards a better future and life. It makes me feel proud that I can study hard and achieve good grades as a result. I feel more accomplished as a person and it's very fulfilling. I want to always be in school until I achieve my degree. I love learning and expanding my mind. It makes me feel like I have purpose.
I can't predict the future, although there are times when I really wish I could. I experience moments of complete loneliness, pain, depression, sorrow, anger, and fear for what's to come. I get angry at how my life has played out... angry at myself for not making major decisions carefully, angry at a particular person for giving me so much pain and grief, and anger at those around me who don't sympathize and reach out when I need it most. I guess I tend to hide it very well, even from myself. I put on a face and push all of the bad stuff to the back of my mind and keep moving forward. Staying busy keeps me sane and happy.
With that being said, I cannot fully move on even though I am ready to. It hasn't been very long, but I am ready to move forward with my life. I don't want to be stepped on anymore. I don't want to be controlled emotionally. I don't want to be threatened financially. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to be with someone who disrespects me and constantly points out my weaknesses and uses them against me. I am done. I cannot fully move forward until the process is complete and legalized. It'll take a little while, but it's time to at least start the process and prepare for a series of unpredictable catastrophes. But I will survive because He knows what I am capable of and has given me this trial for some unknown reason that I will later find out. Someday it will all make perfect sense.
One of the hardest parts is time. I feel like this will NEVER end... literally. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim and has stayed that way for quite some time. I know this won't go on forever, yet it feels as if it is. I know I can do more steps to speed up the process. But based off experience, I know things tend to get worse before they get better. And I don't know if I am ready for that. Although, I don't really have a choice. I just need to take a leap of faith and rely on Heavenly Father to guide me through anything that comes my way. I have definitely learned that I cannot do this on my own, especially since I have no idea how everything will play out in the end.
2.03.2013
English 101 Scar Essay- Don't Control the Uncontrollable.
Where there is challenge, there is opportunity. Little did I know how my life would completely turn around. The events are still clear in my head. I feel as if no time passed at all, yet time has healed the emotional wounds and left scars not visible to the eye. These scars resemble the ability of the human heart to heal itself and adapt to difficult trials and circumstances. No matter what you experience, you have a choice on how to react to it. My father's death came at a very inopportune time, but I could not control that. Later on, I learned to focus on what I could control.
I didn't know my father very well due to my parent's divorce when I was only a toddler, but I do know a thing or two. He was a hardworking mechanic who made decent money, but he lived frugally. A portion of his money went towards cigarettes and alcohol, a terrible addiction he couldn't give up. Even though my brother and I were young, he would drink around us. I would ask him to stop through card and letters, but he never did. I can only imagine how severe his addiction was. Granted, he was an incredible father and had the best of intentions. He was a man of few words and liked to hide his emotions. He favored me as daddy's little girl, and some of my best childhood moments were spent with him. At only 15 years old, I had to say goodbye before I had an opportunity to really get to know him.
I remember when it all started. He came to my mom, a licensed nurse, complaining of constant abdominal pain. She urged him to see an experienced doctor, but he refused. He liked to handle pain the "manly way" by finding his own means of dealing with it. My parents were really good friends, despite being divorced. After a long duration of time, he finally submitted to going in for testing. He went to several doctors who could not figure out the cause of his symptoms but felt it was necessary to do surgery due to certain risk factors. I remember sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like the longest moment of my life. My mom, brother, and aunt were with me. I wasn't expecting life-altering news, but a small part of me was worried. When the surgeon walked out and sat down to speak with us, I could see the grave and concerned look on his face. He hesitated, trying to find the right words to say. My heart started pounding rapidly and everything became blurry after that. The doctor explained how the stomach cancer had spread throughout his entire body and that there was absolutely nothing they could do to save him. They estimated his time-frame between a week and a couple months. I immediately burst into tears, feeling completely helpless and asking the major question everyone asks in a situation like this: Why is this happening to me? I played over the doctor's words in my head over and over again. My father is going to die... what?! At that moment in time, all of my emotional barriers broke down at once and all I could do was weep uncontrollably. For a few moments, I had absolutely no sense of what was going on around me.
The entire month he fought this awful disease flew by quickly. My father spent a majority of that time in a coma. During this time, I held his hand and poured my heart out to him. I had faith that some small part of him could hear me. I opened up about my religion and how important it was to me. I shared the current challenges and joys I was facing, as well as the importance of his presence in my life. I felt closer to him in those moments than I had ever felt. I would journey the 30 min trek to the hospital with my mom and brother every day to see if there was any progress. I watched my father, an average-sized man, turn into complete skin and bones. His stomach rejected solids, therefore he had to be fed through a tube. Fortunately, he gained consciousness again and was able to communicate. His voice was muffled due to the overwhelming amount of emotional and physical stress on his body, as well as the high dosage of medication he was on. But, I enjoyed being able to converse with him somewhat. I could tell he was in complete denial of what was going on, so I would tell him reassuring words such as “I love you” or “Everything is going to be okay” to make sure he knew I cared about him before he left. I cherished those last moments together, especially when he was able to go home for several days. During his last days, he lived in a hospice facility for a week. Before he took his last breath, he refused to have any visitors. I was at the mall shopping with friends when I received a phone call from my mother that my dad had passed away. Even though it was inevitable, an absolute torment and sadness tore through my body.
Initially I felt the need to control every aspect of my life to make up for his death, which wasn't in my control. I became a perfectionist and had high expectations of myself and those around me. In desperate attempt to become extremely thin, I developed a binge-eating disorder that caused me to consume excessive amounts of food and then starve myself for days at a time. This helped me feel like I had power of my body, and in turn, power over my life. Over the course of my high school years, it affected my ability to have a normal social high school experience. I completely devoted myself to my studies and expected perfect grades. Consequently, I avoided social confrontation and missed out on a lot of potential experiences. I was afraid of truly opening up my heart to anyone, because I felt as if a piece of it had left with my father. I could not stand the idea of experiencing the anguish I had gone through earlier. I focused solely on my loss, rather than what I could gain from this experience.
Eventually, I learned to focus on what I could control. Instead of asking the question: Why did this happen to me?, I asked the question: How can I use this experience to better my life? I accepted my father's death and knew it happened for a reason beyond my limited perception, and that was okay. Instead of letting his death overtake me, I decided to overcome it. I valued my body and all of its imperfections. I gained a healthy lifestyle because I knew my father's bad habits contributed to his disease. I learned the sacredness of life and the importance of showing loved ones that you care unconditionally. I opened up my heart and allowed myself to be vulnerable because I no longer wanted to be "dead" inside. I knew my father earned for me to be happy and live a fulfilling life.
Where there is challenge, there is opportunity. Initially, I blamed my unhappiness on my father's death. Eventually, I learned that was beyond my control. My emotional scar formed when I accepted his death and utilized it as a tool to improve myself. This scar is a reminder of my ability to overcome and heal. When certain circumstances come my way, I ask: What can I learn from this?, rather than, How can I change this situation? Perception plays a huge role in determining our reaction to different stimuli. Why put forth all of your time and energy into changing the environment and other people, when you can more easily change yourself? After all, reactions are merely a reflection of yourself. The way in which we handle situations, especially the most difficult ones, defines character greatly.
1.30.2013
Life is Crazy.
I have been so busy lately that I have not had time to take everything in. I have had my moments... trust me. But those moments don't last too long. Usually they are right before I go to bed and am already half asleep. But when I get down on my knees and pray, I feel comfort. Sometimes it's not right away, but I know that it's definitely helping. I am getting an added amount of strength right now that I would not otherwise have. Heavenly Father definitely is watching out for me and is sending help along my way. I have friends who have been helping me SO much. I am forever grateful for them. I just feel like there isn't enough time to sit and weep... except at night when I have some time to myself. That is when I start thinking about things, and it gets a little hard. But usually I have so much homework to do at night that I can't think too much. So I absolutely love being busy!!
I am so glad that I decided to go back to school and am on my way to going to CNA school either in the summer or fall. I feel like I am headed towards something important and am taking charge of my life. It feels good. I feel more accomplished. Hopefully I can endure, especially when it comes time to move on my own. But, I will have help then as well so it shouldn't be too bad. I just need to continue to take it a day at a time and SLOWLY pack, so it doesn't creep on me.
I feel a sense of emptiness, and that's probably normal. Heath and I are using this time to figure things out. I think it will help us grow individually and be what we need to be in order to make the next steps in life. It's tough and emotional. But it's what's best. I KNOW it is. And that right there gives me comfort and is helping me know that everything will work out how it is intended to.
Where much is given, much is required. And that part scares me right there. I think the biggest thing that stops me from doing all that I can is the fear of failure. I fear that as I accomplish more, I will have more responsibility. And while that is true, I shouldn't be afraid. I should never be afraid. Someone knows exactly what I am going through and is here to help me through it all. I trust in Him and that He knows what's best. I don't know what's best, but He does. It's a matter of putting your complete trust in the unseen and doing your absolute best, because that's all you can do. It is okay to fail sometimes... but it's not okay to dwell on that over and over again. I finally got to a point where I realized it's okay to forgive myself and forgive others. That is the only way to move on and live your life. There is still a particular someone I still have hurt and anger towards, but I know that will naturally go away with time.
Back to my original comment... life is crazy. It is crazy how certain people come into your life at certain times, just when you need it. Or certain things fall into place. Or certain events happen, and then you look back and realize that they actually made sense at the time.
1.19.2013
The One Where I Completely Open Up.
Since my last post, A LOT has changed. First of all, the lump on the back of Heath's head completely went away. It just disappeared on it's own. And his tests came back normal the second time they tested him. This was a long time ago... I guess life has been busy since then, so I never got around to writing about it! I really think it had a lot to do with the priesthood blessing he received. Miracles do happen!
There is a lot going on in my life right now. I wish I could spill the details, but I feel as if a considerable amount of judgement will be aimed towards my direction. It's a really difficult topic. Yet, so many have or are going through it. I don't know how people eventually let others know what is going on... I feel as if I am doing everything I can to hide it. But there comes a point where you can't do that anymore. And that time is coming VERY soon.
In a month, our lease will end and we will be out of this apartment. Life has a way of completely going in a different direction than you intended. Around 3 or 4 months ago, we signed the paperwork to have a house built just for us. A house that took a considerable amount of debate and decision to make it absolutely perfect for our needs and wants. It is completely finished now, but I haven't seen the finished product yet. I saw it about a month ago when it was almost done and just needed carpet, finished tile flooring, countertops, a touch-up on the paint job, and a driveway w/ front landscaping. I'm sure it looks absolutely amazing now. I'm sure I would walk in and be completely in awe. I would love to be able to furnish it and decorate it. But everything has changed now and we are no longer getting the house. It was too good to be true. It was too far away and financially a little over-the-top. But, honestly, those aren't the main reasons why.
Alright here goes... Basically, I have to say goodbye to the one person I have relied on, loved, trusted (at one point, but no longer anymore), spent all my time with, given everything I have to, etc because of something he can't give up. I won't go into detail. It might not be as bad as you think, but it's severe enough to cause isolation and distance. I have been in complete denial about all of this and trying to push it in the back of my mind. But honestly, the time is coming too quickly. We feel it's best to take a little bit of time apart to better ourselves individually and spiritually, and to come together and talk about what we have learned and gained during that time. This can either turn out to be the best thing ever, or reveal the truth about where we really need to be headed. All I know is that Heavenly Father is in charge. I will completely rely on Him, because right now, I have no one else to completely trust with everything I have. He won't let me down and will lead me to what's best for me, Owen, and Heath. He is all-knowing and loving. I am so grateful for Him for showing his love this last week. I wouldn't be able to do this without Him.
I know this will one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, but I also feel like I will grow the most from it... if that makes sense. Having to completely separate from the one person you are always around will definitely be a HUGE change. We will still see each other a lot though. I have completely immersed myself in school in desperate attempt to get an education, and in turn, get a good job. I honestly don't know what will happen. And that's scary. I will have to learn to be independent, if all else fails. So I have begun the process of focusing on myself and not on the situation at hand. I started school this past week and have been extremely busy. Thank goodness for this, because this has helped me from thinking about things too much (which I tend to do haha).
I feel hurt. I feel let-down. I feel like I have given my everything, only to come out with hardly anything. I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been stepped on. I feel helpless. I feel as if my heart wouldn't be able to take any more. But through all of these feelings, I have come to accept things as they are. I accept Heath for the person that he is. I know that he has a problem that he is dealing with, but the problem isn't who he is. He is a great person with the best intentions. But somewhere along the road, he has deceived himself. And he has a long road ahead. I still love him and always will. But, I feel as if I can no longer help him. He has to help himself. He needs to realize what is important and how he wants to spend the rest of his life. And I can't do that for him. I have tried and failed many times. Now is the time.
We have the complete support of our Bishop, and that definitely makes things easier. We have the complete support of a few family members and friends. But I honestly don't know how to tell everyone else. People like to judge and misunderstand what is going on around them. A big part of me wants everyone to know because I don't like pretending that everything is okay. Sure I can do it for a little bit, but there's going to be a point where I can't do that anymore. I am a very open person and like to talk about things. I have gotten many questions on when our house will be completed or where we will move, and I have had to tell people the "other" reasons why and not the "main" reason. I don't know how to. I don't know what they will say or if they'll ask why... because it's a hard and uncomfortable topic. But, honestly, you can't judge someone else unless you are in their shoes. I hope that whoever is reading this right now, does not judge. Usually the best things in life are the hardest to accomplish. Sometimes you have to take a detour, only to turn around and go back to where you started. Other times, you have to hit a lot of road blocks before you get to your destination. But it doesn't matter how you get to where you're going. We all get there in different ways, some easier than others. What matters is how well you handled what was given to you and gone past your point of "giving up". That is where you grow... that point in time when you don't know how to keep going, but do it anyway. Blessings come when we are doing what is right and just, even amongst challenging times.
Therefore, I won't give up. I will do my best to better myself as a mother and individual... spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
11.22.2012
Doctors and the Unknown.
We went to the doctor on Tuesday, and it didn't go as planned. He felt the lump on Heath's head and told us it was either a cyst or lipoma... Then, left it at that. He didn't even talk about surgery to remove it or an ultrasound to scan it, or anything. So we don't know for SURE if that's what it is or if it's dangerous in any way. I hate the unknown. All I know is that if it's a lipoma or cyst, it needs to be removed or else it will get bigger and can press on the nerve. So we might end up scheduling an appointment with a surgeon IF we can get a referral from the doctor.
That doesn't even cover it. The blood results came back yesterday (they weren't supposed to come back until Monday or Tuesday of next week). They felt it was urgent to let us know as soon as possible and take the next step from there. Basically, they said that two of the liver tests were extremely high and the thyroid test was high. I honestly don't know exactly what that means, but I know it's not good. He has a 2nd appointment set up to do further testing.
He also has an appointment to get the cyst on his ear removed and CT scan of his head (for the blurred vision). I expect the CT scan results to come back clear, but it's just a precautionary notion because he had a "brain tumor scare" when he was younger.
I don't know if all of these symptoms relate somehow or if they are all separate problems... But, hopefully we are able to know soon exactly what is going on with him instead of spend a lot of time, money, and stress worrying over it.
I really hope it's nothing serious. I guess I'm the kind of person that worries over everything, and I shouldn't. I have amazing family and friends (who only a few know what is going on right now), the Gospel that offers reassurance and guidance, a beautiful son who brings so much laughter and joy, my health & exercise, education, good health insurance, and stability.
Whatever happens, happens. If he gets diagnosed with something easily curable or it turns out to be nothing, we will be grateful. If he gets diagnosed with something serious and not easily curable, we will have hope and faith that everything will work out because it always does :).
Hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving day!
11.17.2012
Upcoming Doctor Visits.
Hey everyone! I hope you had an amazing Saturday. Owen and I spent the day at "nana's" or Grandma's. It's tradition for us to go over to my mom's every weekend so she can have extra grandma time, and it allows Heath to get uninterrupted sleep (he works graves) and have time to work on homework. We went to Pottery Barn to look at adorable mini armchair sofas. They are seriously the cutest pieces of furniture ever! My mom purchased a dark brown "furry" one for one of Owen's Christmas presents. He will definitely love sitting on it during snack time or watching shows/movies. But knowing him, he will have loads of fun climbing all over it and sitting in it just for kicks.
Alright... So here comes the bad news. Well, it isn't really news yet. But it definitely could turn into very bad news, no news, or good news. Confused? Okay so here goes... A couple of days ago, my husband noticed a hard lump on the back of his upper neck/head. It is near the base of his skull on the right side. It is colorless and you can barely see it bulging out. But when you press it, you can feel a hard round lump. It felt like a small pea the first time I felt it, but now it feels bigger in size - probably similar to a quarter in diameter. He says it hurts to the touch and has had other symptoms in possible relation to that such as: headaches, blurred vision, and pain in that area. He swerved 4 times while driving home from work this morning. He has a doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday, but we may have to go to the ER if the symptoms get worse. Hopefully it is just a cyst... But it sounds like an enlarged lymph node which is the sign of an infection. Hey it could be a number of things, right? I keep telling myself that. We are basically holding our breaths until Tuesday and hoping & praying that the doctor will tell us SOMETHING. We don't want to get unanswered responses to our questions. This is very scary for both of us.
Anything can happen and change our life completely... Anything. Oh it could be nothing serious of course. But my thoughts keep thinking of the worst so that if it does come, I can somewhat handle the truth. Although nothing can ever prepare you for bad news. I know I am freaking out for no reason. One of his brothers was diagnosed with thyroid cancer several years ago with similar symptoms though. And that's what keeps me worrying that it can even be a possibility.
So I'm going to take a deep breath, watch my show, and do some relaxing scripture study and prayer tonight. Please say a little prayer for us that the doctor will know what it is or what steps to take to find out!
10.26.2012
Crying Makes You Stronger
Crying doesn't make you weak, it only makes you stronger.
Ironically, today has been a great day. I was able to hang out with my best friends (who I have known for about 12 years now). And now matter how crazy or distant our lives get, we still manage to click as we did when we were younger. We have stuck together through thick and thin... and even if at times it seems like we don't have each other, we still are there for each other no matter what. It's a friendship that can't be broken. And I don't know what I would do without them. Sure, we are all busy with our own lives.... but we still manage to get together every once in a while. Although, it would be nice if we got together a lot more. But life tends to get in the way sometimes ;).
We all met at Freestone Park and had a picnic with our kid(s). We watched them play on the playground and took a long walk while talking. It was really nice outside and a perfect day to be outdoors. Although I forgot Owen's stroller, he managed to do a lot of walking (poor guy). And despite all of his used up energy, he still wasn't able to take a nap. So he went to bed a tad bit early. I absolutely love early bedtimes. Lately, it has been around 7:30 because he starts showing signs of tiredness around then. It allows mommy to have more "me time" or "sanity time", especially busy days where he hardly takes a nap at all.
For some reason I have had a weird sleeping schedule. I fall asleep extremely early, wake up around 12 in the morning and can't fall asleep until 3ish. Due to the interrupted sleep schedule, I don't feel well rested during the day. Today that kind of hit home for me. I basically had a mental breakdown. And if anyone knows how that goes, you allow all the mishaps or trials in the past to catch up to you. It turns a small bad mood into a total mess. I'm grateful for my husband who just let me be alone for a little bit to think and recollect myself. Honestly, I wasn't crying for any particularly reason. Sometimes, I feel like I am trying so hard and not getting much in return. And I know we ALL feel like that sometimes. Life is hard... it will NEVER be easy. If it is, then we aren't doing enough. Lately I have been finding ways to simply escape from the chaos of life.... such as watching countless episodes of my favorite shows, going shopping, or anything to get out of the house... something to break the same routine that comes with being a wife and mother and staying at home as well. It's hard seeing every one I know either going to school or working, while I am doing neither of those. I feel obligated to go back to school and complete my degree. It's in my nature. And that's something I'm currently trying to figure out.
Crying doesn't make you weak, it only makes you stronger. I tend to be one of those people that feel the need to be strong and fight past those feelings that can lead to crying. But, I am an absolute open book. There is no hiding how I feel. I have to let my emotions out. And when I bottle them up inside, I just explode. I'm learning to do it in healthy ways though. And I'm learning more and more that weeping is actually a gift (as weird as it sounds). There is something beautiful that comes from completely letting yourself go without fear and then feeling complete calm and inspiration afterwards. I find that after I cry, I feel so much better and am able to think a little bit more clearly. It's as if the tears detox your emotional state and make you feel a little bit more connected to yourself.
So next time you're afraid to cry and think you are a complete dork or weak-being for doing so, DON'T. God created tears for a reason :).
9.14.2012
New Beginning.
I decided to completely start over with this blog. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't blogged for an entire year. Sometimes it's good to start fresh especially since I want to kind of steer my blog in a new direction and be motivated to post a lot more often (instead of every few months or longer).
Anyhow, I decided I'd start this "new blog" off with an introduction of myself. I did not grow up in a typical family. In fact, my childhood is rather difficult to explain. My mother and father divorced when I was really young, around 2 or 3 years of age. This was due to my father's alcoholism. He was an amazing father and person, but he could not give up his addiction. It did not affect his ability to work or lead a great life, but it did get in the way of his marriage (just like how any addiction can). He loved my brother and me greatly and would do anything for us. In fact, some of my best memories are with him. But there were psychological factors that blocked his ability to give up a substance that made him feel whole and complete, some unknown void that he had to fill with his alcoholism. Of course I was too young to even remember, but it did and still does have a psychological impact on me. Although single, my mother was still able to work full-time as a nurse and went on to get her Master's Degree as a Nurse Practitioner. I do not know how she was able to do it, but I am grateful for that example of hard work and dedication. I had several step-fathers, one of which I still communicate with to this day and is like a second dad to me. My mom was married once before she married my father, and as a result I have two older siblings- a half brother and half sister whom are around 6-8 years older than my younger brother and I. It wasn't until much later, a year ago actually, that I came into contact with my younger half sister on my dad's side. He had gotten remarried and the relationship ended in such a way that he lost contact with his daughter. She found me on Facebook which was a complete shock. I knew she existed, but I did not expect to ever meet her in person. Back to my story... When I was 15 years old, I received some tragic news that my dad got diagnosed with stomach cancer. It was devastating and life-changing, especially since I did not feel like I had spent much time with him (only seeing him every other weekend). I was young enough to understand, but not old enough to handle it well. I remember when the Doctor walked in and told us the news. It felt so surreal to me, and all I could do was cry and do all that I could to make those last moments count. I felt as if I poured my heart out to him during that last month than I did my entire life. I am not sure how much he was able to comprehend due to the intensive state he was in, but I am grateful to this day that I did all I could to make sure he knew who I was and how much I cared for him as my father. I wrote a long letter to him and still have it kept away in a safe place. I watched my father go from a normal-sized man with a small gut to literal skin and bones with absolutely no fat on his body. It happened within a matter of weeks because his stomach could literally not handle any food. He had to be on a feeding tube the entire time. It happened so quickly. He was in a coma most of the time and when I could talk to him, he was in complete denial of everything going on. It was hard to explain to him that his time was short and do my best to tell him how much I loved him (love that was hard to comprehend because our relationship was limited), expecting the same in return. I know that after this life, I will see him again. This had a great impact on both my brother and I, in complete opposite ways. In high school, I was anti-social and focused all my time and energy on getting good grades. I had a few close friends and several people I hung out with, but I didn't let it get much further than that. I took Honors and AP classes because I wanted to get accepted into a good college with possible scholarships. I struggled with an eating disorder and worked out excessively, feeling the extreme need to be "perfect" in order to be successful. I had extreme OCD when it came to cleanliness and organization. After graduating high school with a 4.1 GPA, I got accepted into 4 different colleges and had to pick which one: BYU Idaho, BYU Utah, ASU, or NAU. In the end, I chose BYU Idaho because it was in a small town and had the kind of atmosphere I wanted to be in. After two semesters, I became extremely home-sick and came home. I did not know what direction I wanted to go in, and this led me into a great depression. I also felt burnt out from spending my entire high school studying, and for once I wanted to have fun and enjoy being young. I have always been passionate about art, but wasn't sure if this was the right career field since there weren't many jobs offered in that degree. Practically my whole family has a medical career type job, so I felt pressured to head in that direction. But it did not feel right to me. So I sat around waiting for the right opportunities to come to me. All I can say is, life happens when you least expect it, especially in those moments when you feel like there is nothing left.
The past has made me who I am today and is probably why I am constantly in awe of psychology and the way the mind works. I absolutely love getting in deep conversations with people and pondering those things that are hard to comprehend. I feel that despite your past or current situation, you always have a choice how to react to those circumstances and use it to your advantage or disadvantage. Everything that happens to us has some sort of purpose that we may not be able to comprehend. But it will make sense at one point in time, whether in this life or the next. There is no such thing as coincidences. To this day, I am still passionate about nutrition and exercise, but I do it in a healthy manner. I have always loved the way exercise and good nutrition make me feel. This could be partly due to the cancer that now runs in my family, or just a personal choice. I absolutely love art, and it has always been a stress reliever. It is a very difficult field because people don't appreciate traditional art as much as they used to. Instead, technology has taken over. But I decided for now, I will do it for myself and that is good enough. Music is a major part of my life. Although I am not musically talented, I am constantly trying to find new music to listen to that fits my mood at the time.
I want this blog to be a place where I release my deeper thoughts or just talk about simple things I'm passionate about. Either way, I hope someone benefits from it somehow... whether it's a complete stranger, a friend, or myself.
